2009: An Asian Odyssey

Madonna March 24, 2009

We’ve all met bad people before. Some of us went to school with them. Some of us work with them. We all encounter them on a fairly regular basis. But rarely do we get a chance to say the things that we’re thinking and give them what they deserve. Rarely, if ever do we take our frustrations out on these people who go about their lives with little regard for those around them. Well I got a chance to speak with one of these people at a bar a couple weekends ago and thought I would share a tale of how I handled the situation.

It’s St-Paddy’s weekend and we’re at a somewhat sketchy bar in an area of Seoul that we’ve never been to that is packed with students from the nearby University. There’s a drunk gay guy wreaking havoc on the dance floor. I know he’s gay because he kissed Katie while she was in line for the bathroom and told her “don’t worry, I’m gay”. Needless to say, I did not witness this event or I might have done something stupid, and I haven’t kissed Katie since. The gay guy (we’ll call him GG) is accompanied by a larger girl (we’ll call her Big Momma) and the girl in the picture who was dressed like Madonna circa 1985 with a british accent (Note: She was wearing underwear over top of her nylons). Anyway, the GG is stumbling all over and eventually grabs some other girls boobs. This girls fiance is standing next to me and isn’t too enthused about the boob-grab so we start talking and I offer my services if he decides to plow GG (they were all smaller than me so you can stop laughing now). While I’m talking with the fiance, some words are exchanged between the two groups and Madonna assumes we’re part of their group. After a few minutes she quietly approaches me and asks if Katie is my wife/GF. Keep in mind that it’s St-Paddy’s and Katie is wearing a simple green and white stripped golf shirt with jeans and this girl is dressed like the biggest whore of our generation. She then proceeds to tell me that she doesn’t appreciate us standing an judging them (?) and then she drops this beauty:

Madonna: “Your wife looks ridiculous in that outfit.”

Me: “Pardon Me.”

Madonna: “You heard me. I said your wife looks ridiculous in that outfit.”

Me: …

I was obviously taken aback for a split second before it dawned on me that I had just been presented with a tremendous opportunity (Sidenote: It’s about 1am on St-Paddy’s and I was feeling pretty good). I simply smiled at her and proceeded to calmly recite the most disgusting, vulgar insults I’ve ever come up with in my entire life. It was one of the greatest tirades I’ve ever been privy too. A poetic sermon of profanity if you will. And it flowed flawlessly from my lips into her ear without hesitation. She took most of it in, tried to dish it back and when she realized she was losing and wanted things to escalate, she slapped me. I remained calm, looked her right back in the eye. Smiled. And continued unloading all the nastiest things I’ve always wanted to say to all the trashy girls and bad people I’ve met throughout my lifetime.

Now, while this all going on, GG is barely able to stand and eventually falls on his face and starts bleeding. Big Momma helps him up and and clearly needs to get him home. She seeks out her “friend”, Madonna who is still talking with me and asks for assistance. Madonna decides instead to turn her back on her friends in need and continue antagonizing us, further cementing her legacy as the worst human being ever. Up until this point, Katie thought the two of us were engaged in civil conversation off to the side, until she heard me ripping her apart for not helping her friend. It finally got to the point where I said something along the lines of “Get the fu*k out of my face, I never want to see your skanky as$ ever again and I hope you die from drowning in a pool of your own vomit” or something along those lines. I then turned my back on her at which point she took the heels she had in her hand (you can see them in the picture) and did this to my shirt.

She finally left with her friends shortly thereafter. I never realized at the time that she had shoes in her hand and just thought she was trying to get my attention again after I turned by back on her, so we couldn’t figure out how she had made the marks on my shirt until one of our other friends mentioned the shoes a few days later and it all made sense. I wasn’t proud of all of things I said, only most of them, but I will concede that it was fun to unload on such a trainwreck with no repercussions whatsoever.

Now I certainly wouldn’t condon my behaviour on a regular basis but this just had to be done for the sake of humanity. For all of my immediate/extended family and in-laws over the age of forty who are reading this – please don’t think less of me, I was defending my wife’s honour and excellent fashion sense. 

For anyone who’d like more detail on some of the words exchanged, please email me on the side and I would be happy to share them.

Oh, and South Korea is great, we’re having a blast!